hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I look better un-naked...
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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