Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
