I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
