I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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