If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
