standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
