A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I CAN MOONWALK!
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
