So drunk its hurt
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
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