just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
