Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
