Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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