I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
