Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
