Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
