i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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