I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
