this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
