Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
