Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You need a sexual gate keeper
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
