i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
