woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Two words: nipple clamps
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