if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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