I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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