so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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