I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
