Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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