And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
