He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
