This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
