last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
