Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My nipple is on Facebook.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
