Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
