You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
