was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
