I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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