Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
