Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
