i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
