I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
