So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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