Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
