I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
