I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
