New invention idea: vibrating tampons
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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