Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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