It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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