Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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