Just fell off a train. Bad.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You ruined the universe
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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