can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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