I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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