shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
