i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Hippo gnu deer
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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